EPISODE 3 – KNOWING HOW TO PURSUE.

In our previous episode, I addressed the ladies on how to become pursuable. In this episode, I will be addressing the men. I am specifically talking to the good guys and the laid-back guys, the play boys don’t need my advice except to change their filthy ways.

So, let’s get right into it. So many good guys find themselves single for so long but the play boys are always so forward and quick to take attention away from the good and laid-back guys.

Here are some tips on how to pursue a good woman;

1. 1      BE COURAGEOUS – When you see a girl who you like, don't be timid, go and say hello. Forget about if she would look down on you or if she would be sassy, the real question should be what if she becomes a really great friend? What if she ends up being my wife? Do not approach her like someone who is unsure of himself. Say hi to her, give her a compliment and spark off a conversation. Here is the best way to look at it, it’s either you allow the fear of rejection eat away at you and paralyze you, or you tell yourself the worst thing that can happen is she would ignore me and tell me no. getting rejected is part of life, but that should not stop you from putting yourself out there. I once heard someone say “the patient dog eats the fattest bone”, then someone else replied “yes but not in a hundred-meter race”. It is good to be patient, but it is also good to go for what you want in good time, because if you don't, the play boy would be there to take her attention, waste her time and leave her sad and dejected. So good guy your courage is also another way of saving someone from potential heart break. Sometimes your courage would earn you a wife, or a friend. Being timid is an unattractive trait and it makes you look as if you are unsure of yourself. You have a lot to offer but you are second guessing yourself, meanwhile the play boy has so much confidence and all he has to offer is heart break. The play boy has so much confidence, and that confidence makes him appear as if he knows what he wants and can handle being with a woman. The funny thing is women keep falling for the playboy repeatedly because he is confident. So good guys, if no one has told you, take it from me you are the real deal and the right woman will appreciate you. Do not be scared to put yourself out there even if your heart has been broken in the past.

This issue of courage is one that cannot be over emphasized, for those who have no idea what courage is, it is the strategy marketers use to convince you to purchase a product, they put their best foot forward. Imagine a marketer approaching you and sounding like they mistakenly appeared in front of you and do not know what to say. You would become irritated. Play boys invest a lot of time in their game and how to walk up to a girl, and what to say to her. Their work usually pays off in the short run, the good guys leave things to chance and end up pissing girls off. Do not be too humble, look straight at her when you are talking to her, think of conversation starters and try to carry the conversation, crack some jokes if you can. The first step is to make her curious about you. This would mean she has picked interest and would be happy to talk some more and get to know you better. You can be reserved and courageous, you do not have to change into someone you are not. My husband is generally an introvert, and we were friends for a while, I knew he was a good guy, but he was always confident and courageous. After being distant friends for some years, our friendship changed in 2014, we became closer and it was kind of obvious we were beginning to like each other, I kept waiting for him to ask me out officially but he didn’t. You know good guys always try not to be too forward, so one day I told him I was at the mall and someone tried to ask me out and I really did not know how to reply. I knew we liked each other but nothing was defined and I did not want to assume anything and get my heart broken, so I asked him what should my response be if I find myself in such a situation again? I cannot remember exactly what he said but it was now clear that I was his girlfriend and he was, my boyfriend. The reason I was patient enough to do this was because we were friends for a long time and when we became closer, I realized he was my ideal man, in fact I nick named him “Mr. too good to be true” because I had no Idea such a man could exist.

So, I would tell the good guys to be confident and do not wait till the girl is tired. Shoot your shot, stop allowing the play boys mess things up. And ladies, for those of you who have been hurt, stop going back to the same type of guys who hurt you. Sweet words are just that, a man’s actions should be more important than whatever comes out of his mouth. So, if you meet a good guy and for some unspoken reason he is being shy or overly patient, help him out. Do not ask him out, but ask him about the situation and let him respond.  All in all, courage is not the absence of fear, but it is forging ahead despite being afraid of the uncertain outcome. Now that you have the courage to talk to her, you need to make sure you come correct.

1. 2)      HOW TO PACKAGE YOURSELF – Just like I told the ladies in the previous episode, it is also important for the man to look his best. Some good guys are clueless about what suits them and how to look nice. The truth is some people are not just blessed with dress sense, but the good thing is you should be willing to learn. If you even find a girl who is patient enough to teach you, be humble enough to learn.

 Comb your hair, brush your teeth, iron your clothes, have some decent shoes, use deodorant. It is a terrible thing for your breath to stink. I know this guy with really bad breath and I keep wondering, why has his family members and very close friends not told him? I have thought about telling him many times but I just try to stay a bit far when we talk. If you notice that girls are running away from you, please investigate yourself, find out if it’s a character flaw, or if it’s a hygiene flaw. You should always be willing to improve yourself even when you finally get married, do not just relax and turn into the fat potbellied man. Do all you can to remain sweet and fresh for your woman.

 

1. 3)      ARE YOU A LEADER? – Just because you are a decent man does not make you a good leader. I have come across selfish guys who believe that men are more important than women in a relationship. They believe it all starts and ends with her in a kitchen and taking care of him and his children. The leadership role is something so many men do not understand, they believe it is a tool to lord over women. But to be a true leader is to serve, and to serve in many different capacities. Since I am a Christian, I will use some biblical examples. Jesus had so many disciples but he chose to be the one to wash their feet, and when it came down to it, he died for our sins. A lot of men do not realize the severity and seriousness of the role that has been placed upon them. If you believe leading a woman and a family is a small job, you are completely clueless.

 Leadership means sacrifice and putting others first. I used to wish I was a man till my eyes were opened to what it really means to be a man. If I place someone in charge and say “lead these people”, if something goes wrong, I will hold the leader accountable. That is the same with God, if a man does not live up to the leadership role God has placed him in, he will have to give account. The truth is I cannot teach you how to be a great leader in just one post, so what I would do is give you pointers on where to look. First of all, I implore you to look into the bible and see what God expects of you as a man. Look for exemplary men and ask them questions on how their journey has been and what you should work on. As a leader, be willing to learn and unlearn, be honest about your weaknesses and strive to improve on them. Never forget that being the one God placed as the head comes with a lot more responsibilities so do not let God down, do not let yourself down, and do not let your followers down.

 

 

1. 4)      ARE YOU READY TO LOVE? – A lot of guys do not really understand the true meaning of love. They just work with their feelings. But the truth is love is a deliberate decision to give and keep on giving. The bible says for God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son. He gave the most important thing to him. But most times the love we claim to have is a very selfish one. So, I will recommend 1 Corinthians 13 at this juncture. Before you tell a woman you love her, give yourself this litmus test, replace the love in 1 Corinthians 13 with your name and ask yourself if you can do all that for the woman. Can you suffer long for her? would you be patient with her?  will you be willing to forgive and keep no record of wrong? When people talk about love, they approach it mostly from the part that deals with attraction. But the truth is you can become attracted to many people, you can have chemistry with many people. But love is serious work and requires sacrifice and commitment. There would be times where you are not happy with your spouse, times when you do not feel like being in love but you still have to show love and give your best.

If you know that you are not ready to love, simply maintain a platonic friendship, the world is a difficult place so try not to make it worse by breaking someone’s heart. If you know you are not ready, do not rush into a relationship as there is nothing wrong with being friends.

 

1. 5)      WHAT ARE YOU BRINGING TO THE TABLE? – I ask this because some guys are serious liabilities. If you get involved with them, your life would be difficult. I am not saying you need to get married to a millionaire but the man should understand what his responsibilities are. Before you go professing love, make sure you are ready to shoulder responsibilities. Do you have a source of income? Can you provide for a family? Are you willing to work or is your philosophy “God will provide” while you relax? Some men are even comfortable doing nothing but spending what the woman makes, some even target girls from rich homes so they do not have to work.

If you want to get married, you need to be prepared for it. Whether we like it or not, finance is very important in a relationship. Some men have more money than others. For those who do not have so much, proper planning would help you a lot. If you plan properly, you will achieve a lot. And then you can keep striving for more money.

You also need to bring maturity to the relationship. You need to be willing to let go of childish and petty habits to have a successful relationship. You must be willing to bring Trust and faithfulness to the table, you cannot expect what you are not willing to give. If you want a faithful wife or girlfriend, also bring those qualities. You must also be willing to bring respect commitment and love to the table, do not treat her anyhow you like. You must be willing to lead as I have stated earlier. If you do not have anything to offer, please leave the girl alone. I have seen useless guys asking for what they cannot offer. This life is give and take. Any quality you hope for in a partner, it is only fair that you also bring those traits forward. I have seen unfaithful men look for good women to marry, I have seen lazy men look for hard working women to marry, I have seen dishonest people say they want an honest person. All these things I am saying also applies to the women. You find lazy women looking for rich men to cater to them and sponsor their extravagant life style, dishonest ladies wanting honest men etc.

Fit and proper men (women) who genuinely have a lot to bring to the table also need to be careful because they will attract both good and bad women (men). You will have to observe people patiently and make a wise decision. If you have all these qualities, please do not waste time on ladies who do not understand the value of these qualities. For some ladies, all that matters to them is money, money, money! It is when they get married that their eyes will be open, that is when they would be wishing for faithfulness, commitment, asking him to be more present and involved etc.  It would be really foolish of you to be talking of marriage when you are not bringing anything to the table. Even if she marries you by some miracle, in the marriage she will start demanding for more. So, if you do not have anything to bring to the table, keep working on yourself and developing yourself. Become the person you would be attracted to if you were a lady.

 

1. 6)    ASK GOD FOR DIRECTION – At every stage of your life you need God. How can you truly know what is in the heart of others? A woman can pretend to be what you are looking for (vice versa). You need to pray and tell God to reveal the heart of this person to you so that you can make an informed decision. You may make mistakes, you may even get your heart broken, but with God on your side, you will eventually end up with the best partner.

MR OR MRS ROMANTIC??? EPISODE 2

 

1)  5) Mouth odor- I spoke about looking good and smelling good. Some ladies are not conscious of their breath and this can be a turn off. Bad breath is not limited to just the odour that comes out of your mouth in this context. It also includes the type of things you say. The average man loves to be respected, if you treat a man with respect, he naturally becomes attracted to you. If a man feels like he is being disrespected the attraction is lost. This one is actually a very difficult one because we women are quick to snap sometimes, but to be attractive we have to master the act of being respectful. I struggled with this one also but eventually I learned that I do not have to feel like being respectful to give respect. I am in control of my feelings. I got so good at keeping quiet when I am upset that it became a problem. I am now learning how to communicate when I feel disrespected without losing my temper or being disrespectful in the process. My dear sisters no be small work oh but it is worth it.
 
6)     Have a life- I have noticed that men in our generation are attracted to women who are not too needy. When you are too clingy and overly needy a man would become weary of you. Do not pretend to be busy just because you want to get his attention that would not last. Do not dump and abandon your friends and your life just because you are in love. Have a full life, read books, watch movies, go out with your friends, do not be readily available. If the man realizes that the only thing you have going is him that can become a burden to him. Be loving and sweet  but have a life. I remember telling my husband before we got married, I can live without you oh, but I choose not to. I have never believed those people who profess love by saying I can’t live without you, that is a blatant lie if you ask me. I remember how fast my ex moved on after me, it made me realize that people can live without each other. Sometimes a relationship may not work out and if that was the only thing you had going on, it would be terrible. So while you work on attracting the right man, also keep working on developing yourself. An intelligent, hardworking and diligent woman is a very attractive woman. After a while, even men who want a woman who they can lord over start complaining about her being always home and readily available.
 
7)      Be confident- Confidence is such an attractive trait. Do not be arrogant or rude but just know that you are enough. Yes keep working on yourself and becoming the best version of you that you can be. But also do not be intimidated by others and what they have. The truth is in life we all have something unique to bring to the table. You may not have the best figure, but you may have the cutest face, or the best intellect, or the ability to manage situations well. Remember not to down play yourself. People will treat you the way you treat yourself. Be comfortable in your own skin. I have seen people compare their weaknesses to other peoples strengths. This is not good because you would end up feeling inadequate. I have friends who are extremely intelligent but are not good at maybe singing or dancing. When they see me dancing I expect them to clear the way and allow me show myself, and when I see them thriving in the academic field I should cheer them up. My late sister was super gifted in school and for a very long time I felt inadequate because people kept comparing me to her. It was not like I wasn’t smart, I just did not like school and I was always too restless to sit in one spot studying for hours. I preferred things like dancing, acting, speaking and the likes. When I realized that I needed better grades, I went to her for help and my grades improved seriously. I never really got the grades she got but I did better. And my confidence in my intellect improved. Do not look down on yourself, keep working on yourself and remember that there are certain talents and strengths that are exclusive to you.
 
8)    Always be ready- This is the last point. You never know who you will run into so always put your best foot forward. My single ladies, please capitalize on these tips. Do not forget that there is nothing wrong with approaching a guy and being friendly, just don’t be too obvious, let him pick up the signal. If you start becoming so close and he is not still saying anything, you can politely ask what he wants out of the friendship so you do not give yourself false hopes. With these tips, I believe you can pursue a man till he catches you *wink*. With these traits you would actually become very attractive and all sorts of guys may come your way, bring out your sieve and politely turn down those you cannot work with. Even as a married woman you have to remain pursuable to your husband. You do this by flexing your feminine muscle and then you set off the man’s mumu button and then you leave him to finish off the chase by catching you. He would end up feeling like he came after you but deep down, you know you gave him the green light.  This method that I am giving you is the one Ruth in the bible used to bag Boaz, it is also the same trick Esther used to get the king. The good news is that every woman has that feminine quality that is God given, she just needs to learn how to use it the right way.

 

 

 

 

 

MR OR MRS ROMANTIC??? EPISODE 1

 I have heard so many ladies complaining about how their man or husband is no longer romantic and this is usually a bother to them. So I decided to start off with this topic. I have also heard ladies saying men do not like to come out and ask a woman out any more.

I am of the opinion that a man should pursue a woman, but I also believe women should make themselves pursuable and keep themselves pursuable. I believe a man should ask a woman out and pursue her, but the truth is from what I have noticed, most of the really good and faithful men in my opinion are not as romantic as the play boys. This is not to say that every man that is romantic is a play boy.  There is romance that is genuine and there is romance that is targeted at exploiting a woman.

 

Most women are drawn to what they hear and so a lot of times, they fall for the play boy just to realize that sweet words sometimes are just that. It sometimes takes getting your heart broken  to realize that romance and sweet words Is not all that there is to life. So while I personally believe that a man should pursue a woman, I also believe that a woman must make herself pursuable and also reciprocate at the right time so that the love is mutual and has a fertile ground to grow.

 

I have seen so many amazing women stay single or end up in terrible relationships and I have seen really nice guys end up single longer than they want or even end up with a poor choice in a woman simply because they do not know what to look out for. Some of the men do not know how to be romantic and some of the women do not know how to make themselves pursuable. So to avoid making this post very long, I am going to turn this into a series where we can take it piece by piece so we do not miss out on any important details. It is my prayer that at the end of the series, a lot of amazing relationships would be formed and a lot of marriages would be revived.  

 

                         EPISODE 1 -  BECOMING PURSUABLE!

Like I said in the introductory post, I have seen so many amazing women who keep getting bypassed by nice guys, and I have seen a lot of ladies falling for fake romance so I will dive right in on what I believe ladies need to do. You can actually start off the romance with the tips below.

    1. Be friendly- I believe so many women believe that a guy must come up to them and tell them that he likes them. Play boys are usually very bold and do not have a hard time approaching a woman. But most of the good guys are usually not that forward. So what I will tell ladies is that you need to be friendly. There is absolutely nothing wrong with starting a conversation. This is what I call lifting your antenna, if the gentle man is smart, he should pick up the signal and take it from there since you have made it easier for him. If he refuses to catch the signal please and please move on, you do not want to keep pursuing the man, if you pursue him and finally catch him, you may have to keep pursuing him forever. So be friendly, smile, be polite and respectful this method is tried and tested. I believe this is the first step in making yourself pursuable

2.    Always look and smell good- I have seen a lot of ladies who are clueless about this simple trick. They believe beauty is on the inside but they forget that men cannot read their hearts. A man does not look at you and see what is in your heart, he notices your appearance first. If you do not look inviting, he will not be invited. And if you manage to look decent and he comes close but you smell like sweat that may be a put off. Be you single or married, as a woman you need to know that you have to keep yourself looking good and smelling good. Do not forget that he is attracted first and foremost to your outward appearance. I Suggest that every woman invest in  a very nice perfume, deodorant and in making your skin look good. Use products that won’t damage the integrity of your natural skin but would give you a natural glow.
 
3.      know what style suits you - I understand that some women are naturally stylish and know how to make themselves look good, but I have also seen ladies who do not know what suits them and end up dressing poorly. A lot of very spiritual women don’t have style. I do not understand it. And sometimes married women just forget themselves after having children. For the unmarried women who do not know how to style themselves, look around for a lady who always gets admired and ask for tips. Go online and do some research about what type of clothes suits women with your figure. The fact that you love Jesus and are super dedicated to him would not make you attractive, you need to work on your appearance dear sister. I have heard of instances where the pastor bypassed all the sisters and went and married one hot Deborah who is on fire for God and is also stylish and attractive. Balance is key in life! Remember in the parable there were five wise virgins and five foolish ones, they were all virgins alright, but only five of them were wise. Know what hairstyles suits you and how to play to your strengths when it comes to your physique. Sometimes I get a little bit angry with women who refuse to up their style game. If you have any male friends, just check out who attracts them. Explore if you like makeup and if it suits you, remember that moderation is always key Use makeup but do not become too addicted to it so that you do not lose your confidence. There are women who look better with make up and there are those who do not need it, find out where you belong.
 
4.     Be classy- Classy women are women who know how to conduct themselves. They know how to act and are not rude. To be honest it took me getting corrected a lot to become classy and I am still working on being even more classy. I have seen women who are rude, I remember while I was still in secondary school, a lot of people told me I was rude and I did not believe it. So I started a personal survey asking people if they thought I was rude, I assured them they could be honest with me and I got very helpful feedback. Some people told me insulted people a whole lot when I am angry, some said I was always frowning and  very defensive and turned the most little thing into a fight, some told me I interrupt without listening. The truth is I did not like smiling because I felt I looked better when I frowned, I was gossiped about a lot so I was always ready to snap at people and sometimes the wrong people were snapped at. I insulted people when I was angry because I believed it would let them know I was not to be messed with. But I realized all these people could not be wrong, I had a sharp tongue and it needed adjustment. To be honest making changes took me time, help from family and friends, and eventually when I began to have my own relationship with God. I had to be broken and remolded. One thing I have noticed is that most of the ladies who are not classy do not have an idea about it, and when they are told, they feel insulted and are not really willing to learn.  For those women who are like me with strong personalities it can be difficult learning to be classy and gentle. But I realized that this quality makes a woman very attractive. When you combine being classy and being friendly you would be so happy with the results. A classy woman does not look down on people, she is polite and if for some reason she realizes she has been rude, she goes back to apologize.