Being a preacher's kid was really stressful for me growing up. I did not like it at all because people just seemed to expect perfection from us. Like omg you have a boyfriend? Oh wow you spoke to someone during a test? So you want to dance and shake your butt at social night and you are a pastors kid. It felt like one could not be themselves, And you had to create this fake personality to match what people expected you to look like. And no matter how hard you tried, it just wasn't good enough.
I remember being sort of a tom boy. I am still sort of tom boyish in some ways. But it was more comfortable to wear trousers. And I remember my mum saying no you should not wear it you are a pastors child and other people look up to you. I hated it with all of my energy. I had to hide to listen to circular songs, its like it was totally not okay to be yourself. Now of course my parents began to learn as time went on that we needed to grow into real and honest kids so they changed their approach to things :) . But somewhere in my foundation, just because people were always expecting perfection from me, I began to feel like I had to be this little perfect princess. What was even worse is I had an immediate elder sister (sharon rip) who fit more naturally into the whole preachers kid image. And I would get compared to her a lot. The funny part though is those expecting perfection from you and placing such high demands on you are not even willing to live up to such standards. They expect you to do it just because you are the pastors kid. Their own kids could be doing a lot and getting away with it, but some how the pastors kids should be robots without feelings who just automatically have no sinful nature and should be perfect little angels who are not allowed to make mistakes like everyone else. God forbid that you use a curse word or loose your temper. bla bla bla.
At the times when people my age were doing certain things, I would have to hide myself while doing it, and pretend I did not want to try it. My love for God was not genuine it was like a law forced down my throat. I remember being the choir leader in high school and some girl said wow you look like you would marry a pastor and right there I said never!! It's bad enough that I have to keep hiding, and have to keep faking perfection, then you want me to marry a pastor and become the mama of the church and be condemned to more judgement and not be free to grow at my own pace. I was like no never! And just because I had grown accustomed to people expecting me to know better or act better, every time I made a mistake, I would hide it. I actually began to feel like it is my responsibility to be perfect And the burden of constantly keeping my reality hidden was really eating me up. I was tired of having to act perfect, like I come from a perfect little sanctified family and like I had no struggles. I got to a point in my walk with God where I had to first of all be honest with God and stop all the acting. I realized God knew me better than anyone else did. And his love for me was unconditional. I remember crying so much in my room when I realized God loves me no matter what. Even when I made mistakes, and everyone was acting like I had killed Jesus christ the second time. And just understanding Gods love helped me to be honest with God. I would tell God exactly how I was feeling about a certain thing. And will even report myself whenever I messed up. Being honest with God helped me to be honest with myself, and gradually I was honest about my reality. I was no longer bound by the fear of how people will see me, or what they would say about me. I wanted my walk with God to be real every step of the way. If I was struggling like every one else, I will admit it, if I was falling I would admit it.
I was done playing church. You know sometimes as Christians, we turn into actors and are not real with ourselves. We lie about who we really are. We are sometimes so critical and judgmental and expect perfection from people. But the truth is if we all attain perfection, we will have no need for God. At every stage and every point in our lives and our walk with God, there is always going to be more to learn, and more room for growth. So it is absolutely wrong to expect everyone to grow at the same pace, and to think you have the right to direct the course of another persons life. To do that you will need to get your license by dying on a cross. The truth is while you are busy trying to pretend and act like you are so born again, it is so much better to acknowledge that you are not. And that is okay because we have God's grace. It is not okay to stay comfortable in a lie. It is not okay to stay comfortable in sin. But one has to get over the self righteous high horse they are on and realize that Gods opinion of them is what really counts. God is the one you should be trying to please, he is the only one who you should fear. We live in a world where people prefer the pretentious version of you not the true you. which means a lie is now more appealing than the truth, and the bible says the truth is what will set you free. Jesus is the way, the TRUTH and the life. We need to get back to a place of truth and transparency. John 14;6. To deal with God, you have to come truthfully not with a mask.
Now when I feel like I am not perfect, I remind myself that God is taking me through a process. He can change me up in a second but what good would that be if I don't go through the process, and learn the lessons? The fruits of Gods spirit needs to develop in me cause I have a sinful nature just like everyone else. And it will take a lot of work, faith and grace to get me there. At the end of the day, we are all just imperfect people working towards perfection.
Dear God I thought the only way you could use me was if I did everything right, thank you for showing me that my brokenness gave you more to use, not less. I spent so long trying to reject what you were trying to bless, I welcome every battle, and invite every struggle. I know when its over, you'l use every scare I learnt to love. ( Sarah Jakes)
Dear God I understand that there may be pain in the process, but that pain will lead to ultimate progress and while you navigate through the waters of pain and progress, you will discover your purpose. So I thank you for the process that has gotten me to this point,I thank you for the progress and I thank you for showing me how your grace constantly carries me through. Signed (princess prize.)